What I Want To Say

So here's something weird that happened today...

Let me back up to Tuesday.

There's a box left on my porch by FedEx.

The address is correct, but the name is not.

So I call the number of the company listed on the shipping label. Leave a message explaining the situation.

They finally call back today.

They say thank you for calling and being honest. No problem.

"Ok, so first, what's in the box?"

What I want to say:

What I actually say:
Well, it's not my box. It's not for me so I didn't open it.

So that blows her mind.

They look up the name and find the order.

Because this lady put my address on her order, they ask if I can send the package back.

"We'll send you out a label and all you have to do is take it to a FedEx station and drop it off, ok?"

What I want to say:
Not ok. Not my problem. I'm not driving this thing anywhere. I don't even know where the nearest FedEx station is, and I do a lot of driving around in a lot of places and haven't seen one - which tells me it's going to be crazy far away. Not doing it. 

What I actually say:

(Intentionally playing dumb hoping she'll get the hint)
So I just put it in my mail box?

"No ma'am, you'll have to drive it out to a FedEx pick-up location."

(Still playing dumb)
And they'll just come to my house and get it?

She's still not getting it.

After some more back and forth I finally just tell her I don't know where a FedEx location is and I'm not going to be driving this box anywhere.

She opts for a USPS label so I can put it in my mail box to return it.

That I can do. 

And let me just say - if you don't know the movie the above scene is from, you're missing out. Anytime anyone says anything to me about a box, this is what I have to do: